The tapestry of the life of a medically complex family

Archive for the ‘Medicine’ Category

The Gift of Special Needs & Illness

I was chatting with another Mom to a child who will not outlive her. It is a difficult awareness that we live each day. A difficulty that is not without its own gifts for we who live it.

I think one thing about our kids:
It won’t always comfort us, but their strength through all this adversity, their joy, their sweetness, their ability to draw people into our lives who understand- who love us & them- that legacy will stay with us when we no longer have them with us physically. YOU, other parents of children LIKE mine & different from mine… it’s a gift my children have provided that will outlive them.

Bittersweet gift, but a gift for which I will forever be thankful.

Of Buckets and Why

My kids’ genetic material is being sequenced to try to determine which type of metabolic disease they carry that may ravage their body and take them before they experience their 40s… or 30s… or 20s. One 7 year old and my 5.5 year old are affected in some way, the SAME way, a RARE way, as 1 other child at our local children’s hospital and 2 known adults “AT the NIH”- not a location for the healthy.

If we choose “best case scenario”, 7 is just under the 1/3 mark of a lifetime with one of these diseases. And if it’s not…

I bought them roller skates. They’re uncoordinated; they have low stamina/exercise tolerance. And a close relative asked “Why would you buy them roller skates?” They are likely to develop seizures and regress cognitively & physically. But they don’t have them yet.

When she asked “why”, I realized again how little others understand of this life. They watch. They try to support. They have absolutely no clue whatever.

I see my 7 year old and think: if he understood, what would he want to do while still able? What “fun” would he want, should he want? If he knew what he could wish for before it’s beyond his capacity to wish, to accomplish?

When I was a kid, my Dad was in the Army reserves. 2 weeks every summer he went to a base for “active duty” & always brought back something for each of us. One summer that ‘something’ was roller skates. I still remember the feel, the fun, the risk of life & limb at the top of our treacherous driveway…

That experience is something I want for him. Sure, roller skating will be work for him, and for her. But practice will bring success and success will bring fun. And “FUN” is the bucket list of childhood.

Why? FUN

Staring

I cannot stop staring at her hair. It is thick and blonde and perfectly coifed. It is the kind of hair that begins partway forward on the forehead. It is PERFECT today. And I cannot stop staring.

Her mouth is moving – telling me she has breast cancer. She is scheduled for a second opinion & surgery next week. She needs time off from helping my child to address this devastating health issue. I nod. I gulp. I think of her 9 & 11 year olds, her husband.

And I can’t help staring at her hair.

Tally

After another full week without a nurse shift, I feel run down and ‘finished’ but ‘unaccomplished’. As with parenting in general, being a parent of children with complex medical needs is a never-ending “To-Do List” with medical treatments & status assessments tacked on to the page. Sometimes it helps me to glance into the rear-view mirror at the end of a long week so I can truly appreciate that I did get some things done.

This week without nursing I have ensured that 3 complex kiddos have received every dose of their medications & supplements. These doses include: 6 doses each of Xoponex & Duoneb via nebulizer; 6 doses of Nexium; 12 doses of Dulcolax & Singulair;14 doses of Albuterol via nebulizer; 16 doses of Hypertonic Saline via nebulizer; 17 doses of Prevacid; 18 doses of Miralax, iron, multi-vitamins & Vitamin D; 36 doses of Pulmicort via nebulizer; and probably 40 saline nebs since last Thursday… I have done 36 Vest PT treatments of 20 minutes each and listened to lung sounds at least twice daily per kid for the last 6 days (36 times). I have only taken temps on a couple of the days the kids seemed to be “brewing” something- maybe 3-4x per kid so 10-12 times.

I have prepared 3 homemade meals & snacks every day & calculated calories to be sure to make individual daily totals. I have made homemade peanut butter formula each day and calculated individual volumes to be sure each child gets their minimum formula calories, as well as other fluids to meet daily needs. I have set-up a GTube feeding each night, flushing my son’s GTube before & after each start & stop of the feed. I have gotten up to toilet my Tubie 2x per night, every night, as I am sure will continue tonight. Toileting involves: awakening, shutting off & removing the oximeter, shutting off the feed pump, clamping the line, extension & Ferrell bag & flushing the extension, removing the extension, removing mist & attaching an HME to the trach, then FINALLY taking him out of the crib to go toilet. Returning to the crib requires the reversal of the complicated process. Most often my 45lbs son wants to be carried back&forth to the bathroom at the back of the house because he prefers to stay half-asleep during this process. On a rare occasion, my daughter with a trach has also needed to be up for toileting- at least with her there’s no GTube feed.

The overnights this week have not been uneventful. My daughter’s oximeter plug became loose and alarmed when the battery ran low. Her oximeter probe died one night, needing to be changed around 1:30am- of course. :) My son has required supplemental oxygen on 3 of the last 5 nights- hmm, maybe something IS brewing… He has the 3/4L he wears every day, all day, but has required 1-2 Liters per minute on those 3 evenings, including last night. I have changed over the regulator onto full tanks for the 5 tanks we went through this week “living life”.

I have done almost no laundry except the one emergency load of pajamas that was unavoidable. I really hope we can raise the funds we need to move the Washer/Dryer upstairs & fix the electric. It’d be great to gave thrown in a load or two during other days.

I have gone to 3 appointments. I followed up with 3 clinics on medications and changes for 2 of my children per clinic. I have addressed acute issues for 2 of my kids with their GI & pediatrician. I have fought with our DME over their need to deliver the trachs we ordered at the end of February. I have dealt with the fridge repairmen for nearly an hour on the phone- and am faced with another delay.

We have completed homeschooling tasks, played games, made beds every day and had dance parties or done stretches. We have played outside on the deck and adventured out in the car to drive along the coast on a brisk New England Sunday. My kids saw their first lighthouse, Coast Guard station and surfers. I have shoveled a foot of snow off steps & the deck. We visited one of our former nurses and her beautiful new baby.

Whew! No wonder I feel tired! It’s been a full week for 1 Momma, 2 twins with 2 trachs, 1 GTube & 1 5yr old. There is still more to do before the nurse arrives tomorrow morning. On to lunch!

I know how lucky I am

Every day we struggle financially. Each day can be a physical marathon. But everyday I look at my Fearsome 3some and my college-attending teen, I know how lucky I am.

My oldest arrived at a time that may have been “less than ideal”: I was between Grad School Graduation & my first job in a new city- Philadelphia. I signed up to be a control on a “Core Temperature in Depression” study, recruiting non-pregnant females for $75 to swallow a silicone bean & wear a monitor. Imagine my 24-year old surprise! It was a roller-coaster but the answer to my dream of becoming a mother.
My son’s arrival was a flurry of NICU docs, worried nurses & labor-enhancing drugs. He arrived via vacu-assist (appropriate give his surname) and blinked at everyone like: What’s all the fuss? I’m fine. Parenting him was easy & carefree as I look back- but seemed every bit the struggle of every parent as I went through.

When he was 12 years old, my other mothering wish came true: he would have siblings, a brother & a sister, and they would join us in a new home I was able to purchase. His big heart and caring nature were so evident as soon as his brother & sister arrived. When his youngest sister came home, his heart swelled even more. It was amazing to watch & I could not ask for a more clear indication of parenting “success”.

The twins & my youngest may struggle with medical needs, feeding & energy but make up for it in the breadth of their capacity to love, endure & enjoy. They wake each day & immediately check-in with each other. Any separation (like taking my youngest with me to the grocery when a nurse is here with the twins) is predicated with a group hug & concludes with a reunion worthy of a Disney production.
Right now they are sitting at the kitchen table drawing plans for a Leprechaun Trap and sharing their ideas with each other. Yes, there is bickering over who has the box of crayons, which idea is best for the trap, what a Leprechaun will do if they don’t wear green… But most of the interaction is give & take of ideas, punctuated with positive encouragement of “that’s a good idea!”

Medical needs aside, I may be the luckiest mother in America.
(See what 4.5 hours of sleep does for a person?!)

STOP SAYING THAT!!!!

STOP!!! Just STOP!

Before you tell a mother of 3 preemies, 2 with trachs, 1of those with a GTube; 2 of 3 who have a degenerative, life-limiting condition. And you’re living as a single parent in a house which is failing your kids. And you haven’t slept more than 3hrs in a row in 200+ days. And those 3 hours are only ever complemented by 1 more on any night of a week- 4 hours being a GOOD night. And you’re homeschooling your kids because they get hospitalization sick on every peer group exposure. And they’re on a special diet that costs $10/day just for “Milk”. And 2 are on medication that needs refrigeration & costs over $7000/month… And YOUR fridge failed & spoiled that med for both & milk & the $11 roast that should have been 3 nights dinner NOT the dog’s dream come true- the evening AFTER your latest weekly grocery trip. And you have spent 2 hours on hold, and 2 separate days waiting on repairmen who apparently ordered the WRONG PART!

STOP saying “I understand”

because, thankfully, not many parents ever will. And THAT is something we can truly mutually understand. I am just as happy for you NOT to understand, as I am to have the continued struggles that mean ALL 3 of my children are still here with me.

Thanks for NOT understanding and not implying that you do.

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